Week #8 What the HELL Happened?

What the Hell Happened

by Rick "Snake" Arnold

The Last blog WTHH was pretty funny and got some good feedback so I'm back for another round. Somehow I managed to clear my schedule up entirely today! So I will grow roots into my recliner and enjoy a great day of NFL action with all of you. This is a blog meets WTHH meets my insane life. Spend a Sunday in my world...it's a scary place!

Sunday

0610: I'm up already and totally forgot about turning the clocks back...my cable box says one time, my alarm clock says the other and I'm in a beer fog of utter confusion. I must have spent 3 minutes solid looking at the two clocks trying to figure out what was going on. It's 6:10 but it's really 7:10, but not really because it is officially now 6:10 but it feels like 7:10...this day is going to be strange.

Halloween thought: I took my son Trick-or-Treating last night, he got a TON of candy. He was sneaking a piece here and there the entire way home and by the time we got back to the house he was bouncing off the walls. While out Trick-or-Treating I saw the funniest costumes ever...an entire family dressed up as The Incredibles. BWHAHAHA I can't even begin to tell you how GAY the father looked. hahahahhaa If you ever find yourself in a big red Incredibles suit walking the streets, something in your life has gone horrifically wrong. Seek help!

0810: Coffee time! I just checked the front yard...no eggs, and no TP! Sweet! Having a pretty teenage daughter brings all those little moronic teenage boys from all over the neighborhood to our house when it's prank time. Like TP'ing my car is somehow going to impress her. I just make her pick it up and I'm sure she gives them an earful. Teenage daughter is on a church trip. Since she hasn't been to church in like 5 years I can only figure "church trip" is code for raging kegger from which I can't drive home.

0900: My internal clock feels like I should be watching ESPN gameday right now...something is just not right. Oh yeah! The clock change. That is going to mess with me all day long! Another hour to kill before Gameday...what to do? What to do? I guess I'll go see how bad my college fantasy team got beat...

0902: DAMN ARMANDO ALLEN! I lost yet again and had that little Notre Dumb fruit-tart in my lineup and he decided to take the week off? Really? Just take the week off? How about I kick you so hard in your man pouch you squeal like a piggy? (Did I really just say that? I've been in Mississippi entirely too long now) Another loss in the college league and now I'm in MUST WIN territory. If I win next week I squeak into the playoffs, if I lose it's see ya next year. Pitiful.

1000: GAMEDAY!

1005: Crap...this is going to be 2 hours of Brett Favre. I totally forgot this is the "Favre to Lambeau" Sunday. Good Lord, how much of this will we have to endure?

1006: Keyshawn Johnson may very well be the dumbest commentator to ever speak (no offense Cris Collinsworth).

1007: Chris Berman may be the only dude on the planet that can pull off the comb-over and still be cool.

1008: Some guy just got his shirt signed by Joe Flacco...that scores a what? 97 on the gay-o-meter? Right on his man-boob too. I felt icky just watching it.

1010: My son has chocolate on his face and it's only 10 in the morning...WTF? I ask him if he's eating candy already and he says "Not all of it." OH!!! Well, as long as you're not eating all of it than carry on. SONOFABIOTCH. He's off to brush his teeth again and his candy is being put up. This Halloween crap is for the birds. Who came up with the brilliant idea to take already hyper kids and sugar them all up for a week? Can I create a holiday? A day where football is on from 8 in the morning until midnight and little kids go door to door handing out beers!? Picture it: I'm watching football, the game is awesome, "ding dong" I go to the door and a little kid hands me a Fat Tire and says "Happy Snake-o-ween". Tell me you wouldn't love that. Let's make it happen!

1015: I swore to myself no beer today...it's already calling me. I go all week without a beer but the weekend hits and I'm an alcoholic. WTF? My brain just says Football=beer. I've been conditioned like Pavlov's dogs...I'm now drooling.

1016: They're talking about Walter Payton...tribute day in Chicago. I miss Walter Payton. It reminds me of being a kid, playing football and having fun. How many of us pretended they were Walter as they ran through their friends? Those were the good old days. The NFL misses Walter Payton...picture says 1000 words:

http://www.pigskinaddiction.com/2009/08/Mon/default.html

1018: Time to organize the rest of this page and update my itunes...back in a few.

1027: Just checked in on Munk's Live Lineup advice page...it's going pretty smooth! Chippy is all about business! I couldn't do that lineup advice deal, I'd cuss too many of you out! hahahaha Munk keeps me far far away from the customers. hahahaha

1028: Larry Johnson is getting dumber by the day. You can't Tweet smartass stuff when you suck so bad on the field. YOU BLOW! Your best bet is to keep your mouth shut, collect your last few paychecks and go coach PE somewhere.

1052: Tom Cable is a wife-beater...great news for the Raiders. They don't have enough bad crap going on as it is. He'll be fired soon.

1053: Time to run through all 12 league lineups...Calvin Johnson is out yet again YIPPEE! Mario Manningham is out too...Hakeem Nicks just got valuable. Westbrook is out so LeSean McCoy is the clear starter for Philly. That Giants v Philly game is going to be awesome...beer calling me again...cripes. Can we go 1 Sunday without beer? NO!

1127: Only 30 more minutes to go! Come on! Let's get this party started! 8 early games and 4 late...then I can watch my Yankees go up 3-1 in the World Series (shut up...HATER!)

1128: My son is trying to set the world record for most consecutive hours playing a Nintendo DS. A good dad would make him turn it off and go read a book or something but it's Sunday! NFL action is on! My kids know they can pretty much do what they want on Sunday while dad is watching football. After beer 7 or so mass chaos breaks out and the teenagers start asking for money! If we hit beer 12 they usually get money and my son will eat 30 pieces of candy and run around the house in his Diego underwear....gotta love Sunday's.

1139: Still no beer...I think I can make it through the early games without...the Vikings vs. Packers later on the other hand is going to be nearly impossible to not beer run for that one! Oh who am I kidding, if I make it to halftime if the early games I'll be impressed.

1148: If I see one more Philly cheese steak sandwich I'm going to chew my arm off. I've been to Philly a few times and eaten those every time...they are too good. If the bag their in is all greased up, you got a good sandwich! NY Pizza vs Philly Cheese Steak? That's a brutal debate but I gotta sell out on my home town and say the cheese steak. Today's game is going to be awesome. Yankees vs Philly in the Series, Giants vs Eagles today...two cities battling it out!

1205: Leonard Weaver just ripped the Giants for a 41 yard score. Leonard Weaver? Seriously? I have a fat aunt with a fake hip that runs as fast as he does...at least to the dinner table she does.

1212: WOOHOOO My local league TE Brent Celek scores!

1217: WOOHOO My local league RB Frank Gore scores! This is starting to look like a good week! Much better than last week. I actually have 2 td's already. It took me until 5:30pm to do that last week.

1218: I know it's early but I laid money on the Niners getting 10.5 and it's starting to look like a good call. The sun is out, my players are scoring and my bets are looking good. Could it be? Is Charlie Brown going to finally kick that ball?

1226: Cowboys are down 3 to the Seahawks...anyone else smell a Cowboy/Tony Romo choke-job this week?

1227: Nevermind...36 yard score to Sam Hurd...I have Austin going! WTF? Screw Sam Hurd!

1228: Donovan McNabb completes a pass to Donovan McNabb...won't see that too often? Stupid Justin Tuck couldn't catch a cold buttass naked on the North Pole. He had a pick-6 right in his botarded mitts!

1229: Matt Forte has a whopping 3 carries for 7 yards...BUST OF THE YEAR! Jay Cutler has a cannon for an arm but aiming that cannon at the other team's DB's is just useless. Would you rather have a noodle arm accurate QB (Chad Pennington) or a wild cannon? I'll take the accurate noodle.

1231: TO has 1 catch for 3 yards...big game for him these days.

1232: The Rams are winning the WESUCKMAJORASS Bowl 3-0 over the Lions...I can barely contain my excitement.

1233: It's a beautiful day out...I should be BBQ'ing and drinking beer.

1235: Just as I talk crap about TO, he runs in a 29 yard touchdown...I'm facing him this week. Guess it is going to be a big week for him. He's such an asshat.

1236: Matt Schaub has 2 INT's already...The Bills secondary is locking him down. Houston is in trouble this week. You never know what you're going to get with Buffalo. I avoid betting on them like I avoid this little jackass at work that thinks he's in charge of the world...he's a male secretary. Dude...go get me some coffee.

1240: Chicago has a FG and then picks Derek Anderson off...how freakin' horrible is Derek Anderson? Brady Quinn really sucked so it's not like they have options but damn! He's horrible. Another FG for the Bears! They couldn't find the endzone with GPS right now! hahahahaa Matt Forte couldn't run out of a wet paper bag with a razorblade suit on.

1243: The NY Jets are locking down the Wildcat...Rex Ryan is a defensive guru...I thought surely the Phins would run all over them.

1244: Chippy just texted me: "Dude, eating cheesecake right now" My reply: "Is cheesecake your new code word for DICK?" Chippy is the Gayest Gay in Gaytown. What on earth would make him think I give half of a rat's ass whether he's eating cheesecake or not? I just don't know what the hell goes on in his brain most of the time.

1247: The Rams are beating the Lions 3-2...how appropriate. Like two monkeys screwing a football.

1249: Marion Barber scores for Dallas...WTF? Marion Barber doesn't sound anything like Miles Austin! GET AUSTIN THE BALL!

1250: Eli Manning looks terrified on the field. The Eagles are getting pressure on him and now he's just rattled. Not looking good for the G-men.

1256: Seattle scores! SWEET! Now Dallas still has to score and throw the ball....HIT AUSTIN!

1257: Chicago is in the red zone again...any bets on another FG? Yup...Another FG! BWHAHAHAHA Chicago couldn't score on Paris Hilton with a bottle of Boone's and a video camera. Cripes.

1306: Ryan Moats is carrying the rock well for Houston after Steve Slaton got benched for fumbling yet again. Slaton owners should be seriously worried! If Moats does well this game...you're screwed. You'll be looking at a committee at the very least. Slaton is like a freakin' teabag...just keeps dropping balls.

1307: So much for Alex Smith being the answer. Other than a long Frank Gore run, San Fran hasn't done JACK with the ball. You know its just a matter of time until Peyton hangs 3 quick scores on them. Come on San Fran! Move the damn ball.

1312: Oh Look! Chicago's in the red zone again!

1316: The Giants FINALLY get on the board...these early games are boring me to tears...I'm getting sleepy already!

1318: HOLY CRAP...THE RAMS SCORED! Haley's comet, David Hasselhoff sober, Paris Hilton with clothes on and the Rams scoring a touchdown...total rarities. If you see them, it's hard to believe. Of course it was a fake FG and the Rams may now have a QB controversy with kicker Josh Brown in the mix.

1320: He does it again...DeSean Jackson on the same pattern he burned the Redskins with for a deep score. Defensive coordinators around the league may just want to scope that play out...just sayin'.

1321: Holy crap! The Bears scored a touchdown! It was Matt Forte too! What next? We're going to see Big Foot today...I just know it!

1324: Eli throws another INT right down the middle of the field...he looks horrible. McNabb on the other hand is throwing laser guided DARTS! SWEET GRAB BY MACLIN! Maclin went up covered by a defender and came down with the rock. Philly has too many weapons! They are just killing NY right now! McNabb is on fire.

1329: Roy Williams scores for Dallas...WTF? Can we get Miles Austin a touchdown today? Please? Now Sam Hurd has scored, Barber has scored and Roy Williams has scored...get one to Austin and one to Witten and everyone's happy!

1334: Halftime across the board! Time to go kick my kids around and make sure they're not burning the house down...no beer run yet!

1343: Denver starts the 2nd half off by giving up a 95 yard kickoff return...they've driven down and Kyle Orton just threw a pass at the goal post! BWHAHAHAHAHA His TE was wide open off to the right and he hits the goal post. Classic Kyle Orton.

1351: Ted Ginn Jr. with a 100 yard kickoff return! WOOHOO Helps my parlay for the day. I guess Ginn is a great player as long as he doesn't have to catch the ball. Kinda sucks when you're a WR though.

1352: Denver scores on a Knowshon Moreno dive...come on Baltimore! I picked you in that parlay! You have to cover 4.5! Don't blow it! Get Ray Rice going!

1353: Now I've seen it all...Cleveland just scored a touchdown. Could today get any crazier? Browns fans should enjoy that touchdown...it's gonna be a while.

1400: I have two parlays alive still and things look pretty good but you just get that sinking feeling sometimes. My biggest worry now is the Niners and Colts. I'm getting 11.5 but the Colts just cut it to 2...2 more Colt TD's and I'm toast and there's a TON of time left. I need San Fran to eat some clock and put up some points! That's a scary spot to be in.

1403: WOW! Giants sack McNabb like groceries and come up with the fumble...Big Fat #98 realizes he's not going to waddle his fat ass for 60 yards so he pitches it to Osi Umenyiora who runs it in! Nice play for the G-men...not going to be enough, but nice play.

1413: HOLY CRAP! 101 yard kickoff return for a touchdown for Ted Ginn Jr.! That makes a 100 yard return and a 101 yard return! The guy has a turbo button. Think the Jets special teams might need some work? Here's a thought...just kick away from him nkay?

1416: Oh what the hell...the Jets turn around and connect on a 53 yard pass right after they get the ball back. What the hell is going on in that Miami-Jets game? No defense? No special teams? Back and forth long scores? Can we restore some order there? 19 yard TD to Braylon Edwards. 3 plays and they score. 2 touchdowns in the last 4 plays of that game! SLOW IT DOWN! I need the Dolphins getting 3.5! I'd rather they just win the game!

1419: Another Matt Forte touchdown! His owners are FINALLY getting some reward for drafting him. Enjoy this week...it's Cleveland people.

1422: The Rams and Lions are tied at 10! hahahahaha They just can't figure out who sucks the most.

1423: Derrick Mason scores for the Ravens, Ryan Moats scores for Houston (better scoop him off the wire this week!) and Patrick Crayton runs a kick back for Dallas! These games are going nuts!

1430: F-my life! Colts score Manning to Wayne and now have a 5 point lead. 1 more touchdown and they cover the 11.5 points I got on the Niners! COME ON SAN FRAN! CRIPES! SWEET! Indy missed the 2 pt. conversion! they're only up 4! They can score 1 more time and I still cover the spread!

1431: LeSean McCoy with a sweet 66 yard touchdown run on the Giants...the kid has skills.

1435: The little NFL.com big play blue flag just flashed "Matt Stafford completes a pass" I guess that is a big deal for Detroit.

1438: 126 yards and THREE touchdowns for Ryan Moats! Steve Slaton owners have to be punching themselves in the nutsack right now! That went from Slaton is a stud to Moats is looking good we might have a committee to Steve who? All in one game! BWHAHAHAHA Ain't fantasy football fun? Houston just went final with a 31-10 win! YEAH RYAN MOATS!

1452: Chicago stopped on 4th and goal for the 2nd time today by Cleveland...pathetic! The Bears will win the game but man that is an ugly win. Beating the Browns is about like beating the short bus kick ball team in a game of kick ball.

1454: The Dolphins have a 5 point lead, the Jets are driving with just a couple minutes left! This one is going to be a THRILLER!

1455: Denver is getting their ass whupped and it's about time! All the smoke and mirrors and lucky bounces will NOT fly with a big boy team like the Ravens. Welcome to the real AFC.

1457: Steven Jackson with a 25 yard touchdown run! He's got 147 and a score on the day...I knew that Lions matchup would pay off! Lions play run D like the Wolverines...must be a Michigan thing.

1500: I'm nailbiting here! The Jets are about to score and go up by 3 if they make the 2 pt. conversion...I got 3.5. Phew! Indy is driving and if they score they go up 11 and I got 11.5! HALF A FREAKIN POINT ON BOTH GAMES!

1502: Final score 30-7 Baltimore kicks Denver's ass...me likey.

1503: YES! Sanchez gets sacked twice...1:23 left and it's 4th down and 13! SHUTEM DOWN! YESSSS! STOPPED! DOLPHINS WIN THE GAME!

1505: Now I just need the Colts to run out the clock and not score a touchdown and I win both my morning parlays! That's worthy of a BEER RUN! $200 in our pockets for a nice morning's work!

1507: THE RAMS WIN A GAME! Thank God they had the Lions on their schedule huh?

1508: No Dallas Cowboys choke today...38-17 win as their offense and special teams did pretty much whatever they want. Romo now has Crayton, Austin, Witten and Hurd at the top of their game. With Felix Jones back the running game is on point too. Dallas has no excuses to not hang 30 points a week from this point on.

1510: LOCKED UP THE PARLAYS! Sweet! Good morning! Beer run! Back in a few minutes!

1545: I've got my beer...it's just a 6 pack...but it's a small celebration right? Afternoon games are rolling and the Vikes are up 7-3 on an Adrian Peterson run. Green Bay penalty helped them get in the endzone. This should be a good game! Only 4 games this afternoon and I have no $ riding on any of them. I'll just kick back and watch these games.

1601: Carolina is running all over Arizona! HOLY CRIPES! Can someone put an APB out on Larry Fitzgerald? What the hell? Favre throws a dart touchdown and Minnesota is just rolling now! Tennessee is finally going to win.

1608: With only 4 games going on...things sure have slowed down on the whole blog thing! hahahahha Anyone seen Larry Fitzgerald yet?

1627: L-Fitz with 2 grabs for 18 yards...how excited am I? We're nearing halftime of all the afternoon games and Tennessee is looking good as well as Carolina. There goes my PA Pick'em picks. hahahaha

1644: Maurice Jones-Drew has an 80 yard and now a 79 yard touchdown! HOLY CRAP! He's GOING OFF! The Titans HAD a great run D and horrible pass D...that's changing after this game! So much for starting Mike Sims-Walker. CRIPES!

1704: Percy Harvin takes one in from 51 and Chris Johnson busts a long touchdown. I guess Vince Young may be the answer for now...

1715: A quick turnover by the Vikings and Aaron Rodgers finds TE Spencer Havner to make this a ballgame again! Better than a blowout that's for sure! Is it time for my Yankee game yet?

1717: How in the HELL are the Raiders hanging with the Chargers? 21-13 SD and the Raiders are knocking on the door! The Chargers are shooting themselves in the damn foot. No way on earth the Raiders should win this game. What the hell is going on in these late games?

1727: Chris Johnson for 89 yards! HOLY CRIPES! 220 yards on the day! Green Bay scores again Rodgers to Havner and we have a serious 4th quarter coming here!

1739: Favre to the rescue....Vikings drive and Favre throws his 3rd td of the day. This game is GREAT! The other afternoon games gargle marbles.

1744: I'm really looking forward to tomorrow night's game! It should be an awesome matchup! This clock turned back thing wreaks havoc on our pee wee football practice! hahahaha It will be dark when we start practice. Coaching 5-8 year-olds is hard enough in daylight! Herding cats is twice as hard in the dark! hahahaha 1 more week to our season and it's over. We are the Detroit Lions of our league :(

1800: The Chargers held off the Raiders and the Titans got their first win behind a HUGE day from Chris Johnson. Vince Young adds an extra dimension to their attack and the job is his to keep now. Kerry Collins can't do anything anyways...he's washed up.

1809: Well, Vikes just scored and that game is over. Carolina has Arizona whupped! Time to go watch my Yankees...an interesting day of NFL action in the books! Can't wait for tomorrow night's game!